What I Wish I'd Known B.C. (Before Children)

I have struggled to find my footing as a parent.  Maybe it's because I was a middle child who (don't laugh Leigh) always felt just a bit "unrooted" or because of our slightly strange family or whatever.  Parenting is not something that has ever come easily or naturally to me.  For some reason, it's always been a struggle and I was floored when a colleague from my coaching days invited me to participate in a Facebook group of just moms.  My first thought was, why would they want me?  Seriously, what do I know?

But as I started to read questions/responses by these (mostly) first-time moms, I realized that I may actually have some... well, maybe not advice, but definitely a "what not to do" type of answer to many of the questions.  And then the question came that you always get, and I remember asking myself.  "What do you wish you'd known about before having children?"  I actually didn't answer the question because it took me so long to process the answer, I doubt anyone would have been interested.  But I stayed up nights and thought, I prayed over it in my devotions.  The truth is, my kids are still young.  I've only slightly-permanently screwed them up.  I feel like when all is said and done, my job as a mother will be like a permanent tattoo on their face, one they may learn to get over, pay enough money to some professional to erase, or learn to live with.  But as of now, my tattooing is only in permanent marker.  Still hope of some designs being diminished.  I still have a bit of time before needle meets ink.

I'm not one of those people who can see the "big picture."  I can see things develop on a soccer pitch, but I have a seriously hard time even planning a week's worth of meals before going to the grocery store.  I buck routines and get claustrophobic when there are time constraints.  So the idea that I should have sat down before having kids and set out a list of goals, an outline of what I wanted our family to look like and a general idea of my goals for my kids is ludicrous.  Completely and totally mad.  I'm not that person, and I can't do that.  So when the question was posed on this group, by people who were grasping at doing it right, living Jesus into the lives of their kids, I wanted to help, but didn't know how.  So I did what I do, I took some time, I thought it over and I came up with this.

The world is going to beat up, batter, fight and end up breaking the hearts of my precious babes at some point or other.  Someone will be left without a partner at the dance, not get picked for the team, or be told they are no longer the best friend to whomever.  I will not pretend that these things won't happen, or that, in that moment, they won't be earth-shattering for my child.  But I don't feel like it's my job to "toughen" my kid for those moments.  I don't need to be mean so that when the Big, Bad World is mean, my kid already knows how to handle it.  I want, in those moments, for my kids to yearn for my arms, be they 5, 12 or 28.  I want them to want to cuddle up in my lap, wrapped in my Nana's afghan and ask for my brownies or cookies or cake.  I want them to know that I am a safe harbor to come to, an anchor in the storm, and when they have no tears to cry, I'll cry for them, when they have no words to pray, I'll speak to their Father on their behalf.

Before I had Em, I thought my job was to get her "ready"... to make sure she was prepared for school, sports, friendships, LIFE.  Now, I'm not so sure.  Now, I think getting ready for school looks more like having kids who are excited to come tell me what they've learned and less about new crayons and lunch pails.  I think friendships will come because they've learned how to have conversations with me, have seen my interactions with my friends and have witnessed that friendship can nourish the soul, speak to the heart, and be felt in your bones.  Life is right now, where we're at, in the moments of preparation for the next step.  I don't want them to always be looking out there somewhere for something big or grand or tragic to happen.  I want them to be looking right where they're at, to enjoy the sunset and taste the meal before them.  To savor a friendship for the season they have it and to play in the mud as long they want, because they will grow up.  They will be hardened by life and circumstance and reality.  That's not my job.  So I wish I had known that my job description wasn't to teach a two year-old the ABC's and toilet training, but to love and love with such abandon that they want to go out, they want to explore the world, they want to LIVE even if they get hurt, even if they get beaten up, because their mama is on their side, cheering them on wearing the dorky t-shirt with their picture blown up on the front and the words, "Biggest fan!!!"